THEATRE PERFORMANCE

(written 10-10-03)

There are times
when I feel like my life
is a theatre piece
where I am stage-managed
like an actor,
and in my struggle to stay whole,
I keep performing
with a desperate determination
to finish my part,
without getting booed.
How pathetic, you'd say.
But don't we all experience this,
in this whole malady of life?
There is the reality of pain, fear,
confusion, injustice, and death.
Sometimes, with all the ugliness
around me,
I can't help feeling
that I have become too ugly
to believe in a God
who makes monsters like me --
devoid of love, of faith, of hope.
It's not the "Me" anymore,
it's the "Long Lost Me".
And how do I salvage myself
from this wreckage?
How do I quit theatre performance,
when all I got is a stage,
not a home?

I SAW SOMETHING IN THE SKY

Try standing at the center of an empty city square. Look up the sky and point a finger as if you saw something. In less than 10 counts you are surely to gather a crowd, all trying to see what you’re looking at.

For me that’s what con-ass is all about. People hear something talking about something and they want to say something about it too. If you are mum about it, like frankly I am, they say you have to know where you stand. “Apathy is useless,” I hear someone say,” we have to unite against it to prevent them from pursuing Cha-Cha. “

Call it apathy. Call it cynicism. Call it mediocrity. I am just done believing our people can stop blaming others for their misfortunes. It’s not that I’m for the present government. I’ve never really fancied any form of leadership in the Philippines. In fact I’ve had my share of protests, taking part in classic political satires, relentlessly believing each president was the wrong one. But come to think of it, even from the time of Makario Sakay and his seemingly seditious activities, to the time of Andres Bonifacio, to Hero Jose Rizal, has something really changed? I was born during Martial Law years. The presidents I grew up with were Marcos, followed by Aquino, then Ramos, Estrada and now Arroyo. Has something really changed?

So what if they pursue constitutional amendment? We didn’t like Martial Law did we? So we cried for democracy. And what did we do with democracy? The powerful few deem it possible to consider another form of government for better change to come about. Of course, like my silly scene at a city square, the majority clamor and the threatening possibility spread like wildfire. We fear that the declaration of Cha-Cha is tantamount to a declaration of war against the people.

Martial Law, Democratic, Semi-Feudalism. Whatever form, whatever style, whoever is up the throne, does it really matter, if the people are the same? Change means nothing if it doesn’t come from the people itself. Cliché but whether we like it or not, it’s true.

Last night I was riding a jeepney. The woman next to me was eating something and right after she just unmindfully threw her trash out of the moving vehicle. I was peeved and shook my head in pure dismay. It’s one of those changes I’m talking about. Discipline. Commonsense. Vigilance. To name a few.

When do we stop talking and start moving? There are always juicy things to talk about. Con-ass is juicy. Halli-Hayden scandal is juicy. Not to mention the infamous Hello Garci tape. Every day we never run out of issues, intrigues, scandals. Once again, think about my silly city square scene. Why else was Edsa I followed by Edsa II and another by failed Edsa III attempt.

I wonder do people really know what they’re fighting for.

ME-TIME

For the first time in my life I made this trip all by myself. Eight hours away from Bacolod. It was way too liberating. I am sharing a few photos for now. Have to catch up with a lot of things at the moment.

"The magnificence
of this supreme search

sustains me in my sufferings.
From these sufferings are born

the many songs of my youth
and I come to realize

that struggles serve to strengthen
the fibers of my soul.

They bring me nearer to beauty,

they bring me closer to God."