I have just discovered there is some sense of liberation in being able to hold back tears, halfway completing to numb emotions and shutting down the mind. I have always been a very emotional person, at least the way I know myself. I pour my mind and emotions at anything, dissect almost everything, from the slightest hint of indifference to why the sun didn’t rise today. It doesn’t show most of the time though. I wear masks and I am so good at it. Today was different. I didn’t put on mask. But I boxed everything inside me. I sorted them away somewhere where they can’t bother me. At least for now. It was challenging but I was able to prove to myself it can be possible. It is like a new survival skill I have learned along the way as I course through this forest where wolves and dark knights sometimes overcome me.
Before I called it “putting up a face” and the effects on me were negative. Self-pity, despair, apathy, to name a few. It gave my heart the impression that it has to bear something really heavy. Right now it’s no longer trying to be brave. It’s being brave. There is a world of difference between them.