Wednesday, August 17, 2016

I am a writer, and I can pin you down with my poetry

I am a writer, you are not. You do not have the eloquence of words, they can only stream from a soul that knows a lot about darkness. All you know is how to bask in the sunlight because in their you feel alive. You're scared of the dark. It reflects your emptiness. You do not have the eloquence of words because your brain is a pack of empty cells that know nothing but to blink here and there, every once in a while. You think you're cool, you think you're awesome, you think you're better than the others because you can "speak your mind" out. Really? What does your mind speak about anyway? Trash, trash, nothing but trash. Because first of all, you don't know yourself. You're forever lost. Your identity depends on who accepts you, for the moment. Because people in your life do not stay. Who can stay with an arrogant, all knowing, lost soul?

You see, this is how a writer fights with someone like you. I have plenty of words that hide behind the well laid out poetry of thoughts of emotions that run around like wild rats in a falling off ceiling. These words are well reserved for you. Go on and feign affection. Go on and fake your smile. Go on and pretend there is happiness in your so-called universe. It will not stay long. It will not be there forever. Because the happiness that you call is a smoke from a burnt pile of dead dreams. No, my dear, they're not star dust.

Different roles, different goals

womanI can't remember the last time I felt whole as a woman. Too many different roles I play everyday somehow affects my capacity to love and take care of myself. The battles I have been fighting -- they seem endless -- took so much of my time. What are these battles anyway? Why do they require so much of me? There are times when they overwhelm me I just find myself breaking down, lost, confused and ever so discouraged. Different roles, different battles, different goals. Why can't life be simple? I am a simple person with very simple needs. I am not hard to please. I cry at a sign of a mother bird crying looking for her lost hatchling. Yet I know all these questionings will never end, as long as I live there are always things to wonder about. I just need to step back every once in a while and look at myself, where I am in the midst of all this. I am my own woman, battles and scars, roles  and goals. Nobody can take away my gifts.  Nobody can cause me to stop giving, to stop being gentle, being kind, nobody can stop be from being beautiful as I am. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

New Beginnings

Indeed He is a God of new beginnings. I started Kwaderno with a clear motivation to help children in need. I invited someone to work with me in the project and it turned out that she got her own "vision" fort the organization. I must say my own values and principles didn't go well with hers. Malice crept in, lies, made up stories. I kept silent all this time keeping in mind that the Lord sees everything.  But God's vindication came right on time. Who can argue with that.  Now Kwaderno is back in my arms, as it is rightfully mine. But I have to keep in my treasure box, everything about it, photos, receipts, certificates, trophies ... oh yes. Trophies. I know they worked hard for it. But nothing we can do. It's not me who wanted them returned :) 

God's ways are indeed mysterious. Kwaderno had to happen to pave the way for Ambit. And yes, that's where I am heading now. 

I praise and thank the Lord for making us worthy of this Ambit experience, an experience of his love, provision, protection, peace, power and mercy. Last May 13-15 was a great affirmation for me.  It was a joy to behold all the volunteers working with passion and love. I didn't experience this in my previous organization. There was a wedge. Something that you can almost feel blocking us so there was no harmony, there was tension looming. With Ambit there is purity in spirit. Everyone was all smiles, just simply happy to be of service. Salamat sa tanan nga volunteers, donors, all who took part to make this project become a reality. May the Lord take care of all your needs and keep you in his love always. From this month onward, Ambit will take on this road to the people and as a channel of all the blessing God will send them, Ambit is ever more ready!











Wednesday, May 18, 2016

More bread pls :)

Looks nice and interesting. I am particularly hyped up to try this because there's a potato in the recipe.

Filipino Bread Rolls

They say one of the secrets to successful business is when you know it by heart. I guess I will have to learn basic baking as soon as possible :)

Endless Possibilities

Journey to forever starts now ... life in the farm is the life for me and I can't wait to start it.  

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Good Read

No feeling is final, but each moment is.
Your life happens in a day. The only thing that really exists in a life is a day. If you aren’t present, you’re already half dead. There are no cumulative moments, there are only details, there are only days.
And we waste most of them.
blogWaste most of them buying clothes for another day, working toward goals that we never fully realize. Everything is a means to an elusive and untouchable end, everything is to make a plan for things that will inevitably be rocked off course anyway. We don’t schedule finding the loves of our lives. We don’t anticipate the day we’re going to die. We don’t know these things won’t happen tomorrow, or today, we just assume.
You won’t remember the days, you’ll remember a few moments within the days. The more you’re focused on a hypothetical someday, the more you’ll miss. The less of them you’ll end up with. The less you’ll realize you end with nothing, you just have what you have.
You decide how much that is by how present you choose to be. And yeah, you have a choice. Every second of every moment of every day of every month of every year of every life you choose. You’re choosing right now.
You don’t know that while you’re choosing to stare at your feet wondering and worrying about another issue that will fix itself in a little bit anyway, you’re missing the person who just crossed your literal (and metaphorical) path. You don’t know that this moment is your last moment. You don’t know that it’s not your mom’s or your dad’s or your best friend’s. You don’t know that this afternoon is the first time you make a tiny change that spirals into a revolution.
The point is that if you don’t do it today, you won’t do it ever. The point is that the things you most want can and should begin right now. Time does not change you, you change you. So long as your mindset is ‘wait for tomorrow,’ tomorrow will never come. Things do not get better or worse, your ability to perceive them a certain way does or doesn’t. Life does not change, you do, and as you do, you don’t just get ready for the inevitable, you bring it to light.
The point is that we are born in one day. We die in one day. We meet the loves of our lives in one day. Anything spectacular that’s going to happen is going to happen out of nowhere, unexpectedly, genuinely, perfectly, usually without your planning or messing it up. We get in our way more than anything else does.
All you really have are a succession of todays. Tomorrow is just an idea. It doesn’t exist.


Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Go crazy now


I know someone right now who's going crazy watching me enjoy my vindication. Now I will have to watch her reap what she has sown. I didn't have a hand in anything, I mean how it happened, that everything was taken back from her. None of it belonged to her in the first place anyway, right from the start. But she got in, as per invitation, and she started changing everything and taking everything away from me, including my name. Yes she ruined my name. In ways that I never imagined someone I consider to be my family do that to me. I stepped back quietly, never wanting for her to experience my wrath and how capable I am of destroying her. I decided against it, never knowing that for a long time already she was the one who was doing that to me all along. Envy. Tsk tsk tsk. So unimaginable how it can eat up people. Well I wish her well. It's not easy. But I have to. I want to live my life happy without any baggage :)

Depression in men

I've read somewhere that  Men who are depressed may suddenly become irritable and quick to anger. Non-aggressive men may become more aggressive and hostile. Aggressive men may become more aggressive. From an outsider's perspective, at least for those who do not have any background on psychology, it's easy to judge that man here in the video and easy to sympathize on the woman. But from a peacemaker's perspective, I think the man was triggered by this woman who refused to budge. The man only wanted for his wife to have a seat and the woman won't budge so that triggered it. I pity this man, for the possible depression which is not diagnosed. I pity his wife who for sure suffer the consequences, all the bouts and the mood swings. If they have children I pity all the more the children. Mental health is something that always takes the back seat in our societal concerns. But it is the main reason why a society is crumbling. People with depression, mental health, those needing counselling go about their lives day by day without really knowing they need healing. And so they take it all out on people around them. 

Let it begin with you


Most of us think that peace can be achieved by choosing the "right" leader for our country. We choose our leader and we give our all in defending that choice as if the whole humanity depends on that kind of choice. Really? What about you? What have you done so far? What about your own life? Is it something that you can say contributes to the greater scheme of things? All this election hullabaloo will end and after the dusts have settled, what then? Whose points have been proven right? Or does it even matter at all? Damo sang ga yamo parte mga corrupt, pero sila mismo sa ila panimalay ga practice man corruption. Damo sang gayamo parte violence pero sila mismo ga practice violence by hurting their children with their violent words. Damo sang ga reklamo parte kabutigan sang mga politiko pero sila mismo seasoned liars. Damo sang ga reklamo parte immoral nga mga kandidato pero sila mismo damo kamala malahan gina himo sa kadulom. Does it even make sense? As a people our responsibility cannot only be defined by choosing our leader, but in doing our part in bringing about that change.

Not my problem anymore

move onI've just realized that this world is so full too many broken people, seeking for affirmations, seeking for acceptance, seeking for comfort and assurance from those who have hurt them. This brokenness often cause us to take it all out on others, on situations, on people who do not after all have any idea of the battles we are facing and the pains that we cry to our pillows at night. Having brought myself to this part of my journey, I can now say I think it's better to let people be. At the end of the day, what I should get from them are lessons and experiences that would make me wiser.

Kong na sakit mo ko, I let that go. That will not define who I am. Kong gin agaw mo sa akon ang akon gin sugudan, I let that be di ba? Yes nag kumod ko, but I didn't do what you did nga naglibot sa tanan nga tawo kag gin guba mo ko tudo. Right now, diin ka, kag diin ko? Nabawi sa imo di ba. Gin balik sa akon. And I didn't do anything to get that back. Sila mismo, ang mga nakakita sang truth amo ang nangita way nga mabalik sa akon. I hope you learn your lesson. I hope you realize nga ang kabutigan will be put to light. My new org will reach heights now that you're not with us. Daw pareho ka sang isa ka anay mayo lang naka pest control na kami hahaha Amo na lang ni ho. Kong may issue ka sa akon, dali di storyahanay ta. Indi kay mapa apin apin ka pa kag pa luoy luoy ka pa sa iban. Amo ka na gali ka talawan? Ngaa hadlok ka haw. May gina tago ka? Well you know what, that is not my problem anymore. As far as I am concerned I am reaping what I sow na. hehehe Kag ikaw man di ba? Te sadya man?

Choose your battles

battlesA lot of times I've been in a situation where I fight with passion for my principles, for my decisions, for my choices. Then I realize others are like that, too. What is the meaning of all this anyway? I would rather be right in the eyes of God.

At the end of the day who is the better judge but him. I let go of what others may think of me, because of some lies spread against me. I don't care of that person doesn't stop in all her lies. I don't care of she wants to keep at it, she can very well do that for as long as she lives. I won't do anything. I stay where I am calm, I stay where I am at peace, I stay where I am fully aware of who I am and where I will be going and how I will be getting there. As for those who do not know any of these, I can only feel sorry for them. As for those who do now know how to choose their battles because they in the first place do not know who they are, well that's their problem. I've been there and I know how it is. For many different reasons, people get hurt. And this brokenness often lead them to try and find healing from others, in a good or bad way. It can be both. It's really complicated. And I choose to walk away from that complication. I do not belong in there. I do not deserve to stay where some people wallow in their darkness. I will walk in the light and get others to walk in it, too. I am more than my imperfections, I am more than my faults, I am more than the indiscretions that I really didn't mean to be part of my reality. I am more than what others judge me about. There is more and I want be where it is.  

Way to peace

peaceI used to think this was so out of tune. But then I've reached a point where I had to survive by means of self-preservation and indeed this worked! Sometimes no matter how much you try to be a person for others, when you simply give even if there's nothing left for you anymore, still it's not enough for others around you. And so I stop and look after myself first.



It is a life skill to be able to truly understand this and most of all accept, that not because other people's perspective is different from yours, you cannot live in harmony together.

Why let go

let go

As for me letting go is no longer an option. Let people/situation stay for all I care. What is important is what I have inside me and how it will bring me to a level of peace, contentment and fulfillment even when there is scarcity of love and acceptance.

I am my own strength


My strength, my weakness, everything that I am, are necessary for me to reach my destination. Everything has its purpose and as long as these weaknesses or even strength to dot in anyway hamper others in their own journey, I can continue to be who I am.

Dont' take it all out on others


Come to think of it, people who are unhappy find it difficult to be happy for those around them who, also, strive for their own happiness.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

I can grow garlic!

I always thought only those with "green thumb" can make things grow. How wrong I was. Farming can be learnt. You just have to first learn to love it, and be ready to try, be ready to fail, be ready to try again.

Well, this was my first try to plant garlic. I did this April 3, 2016 and I'm really excited how it goes. There is so much joy in gardening and farming. The therapy is amazing I wish everybody knows this. Seeing the little green thing growing inch by inch everyday gives me a renewed sense of vigor each time. It means hope. It means new beginning. It means life. I am alive. I will live and let others people see what I saw.

Today I celebrate my 18th year as part of an editorial team. It's been a way of life, not just a job. For so many reasons I can really say the best times of my life happened here in this office. I look back with bittersweet feeling in my heart, it will be nostalgic to let you. Nevertheless, I can't wait for next year when I will be farming full time already. It's going to be different. For two decades I've lived in my comfort zone, now I'm going out and I think it's better than where I am thinking comfortable. I have to feel comfortable and the soil will make it so. Every inch of this green thing coming up is an affirmation that the best is yet to come and while I wait for that, I work hard and enjoy the lessons, even the tiredness that it requires.

Can you see this?



Tuesday, March 15, 2016




"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord." -Psalm 150:6 

 I didn't realize farming could go so well with photography. These two things give me free therapy every day! What amazes me is the fact that beautiful shots usually can be taken by zooming in at every detailed angle. When I took this one my face was already almost on the ground. But the result is such a perfect consolation. Whether I stress myself all the time with the way things are not working the way I wanted them to, or with the way people think or feel about me, life will continue its course. So I'd rather focus on these simple, mundane things that bring joy and peace. I choose to breathe life into these tiny things in my pots. Because later on they will be giving life to many. 

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Doesn't matter what they think

philippines wild

Do not be defined by what others think of you. Their opinion doesn't determine who you are. What they say, what they do,what they believe in, that's who they are. You are your own person,your own uniqueness, your own gift. What you are, flaws, scars, strength, determination, dreams and aspirations, is a contribution to the wider scheme of life.