Luha

Indi pag kasubui ang luha sang iban. This is my mantra these days, if you can even call it a mantra. But it's helping me be kinder to myself. To many of my friends (well, all of them I must say) I am the great counselor, confidante, shrink, shock absorber. Even when I'm at work, sometimes, even in the middle of a meeting, I get calls, some urgent, most of the time, I think not as urgent as my own situation. At home, I sometimes need to cut short bonding with Gabriel, just to entertain a few incoherent sobbings across the line.

Every once in a while, I get burned out. I, too, need someone to listen to me and to my own woes. I do resent the fact that people call me and dump on me right away, without even asking me first, am I okay? How have I been doing? How's life treating me? You know, simple pleasantries that could surely mean something to me.

I recently took an online personality test. My result tells that I am a humanitarian. I am not surprised. Many times, I keep pain to myself, just to keep giving. And yet many still think I am selfish so I am always left with the feeling that I didn't give enough. How enough, really, is enough? Mother Teresa said, "Give until it hurts." I try to make it as my basis for giving. But I always end up getting abused.

Maybe I am giving away what I don't have. Maybe I really should try to be sad for my own tears first, before crying for other's people's pain. I know even if I always call myself a coward, deep within lay forces stronger than I know. And so I can keep getting sad for other people's tears.