Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Meanderings of a traveller

At the end of the day, it's all about me and who I am without anything or anyone I have in my life right now. If I strip myself of anything and look at myself naked in front of a mirror, who am I? 

It's been a pretty tough journey, and well of course this long wide stretch of a road goes on. I have just turned into several bends that took me by surprise. These I call discoveries, realizations, some addition to what I already know. When I was younger I thought sharing everything here in this blog is called freedom, a liberation that not everyone enjoys because not everyone can write. But being a writer, I have finally come to understand, means being able to contain a few things not meant for everyone. Come to think of it, this world is cramped with people who, like me also have their issues and miseries and desires and disappointments and hopes and fears ... you name it. It's not easy to be compassionate when you are not so happy with your life. It is easy, on the other hand, to judge. It's exactly because of that that I stopped writing about personal things. With the way my life has turned out the past years, I certainly could make people stumble if I share about how intriguing the story has become for me.

And yet I go on. Not because I do not have any choice, but because being strong is a choice. Nothing can give me that resilience I need. It's in me. I just have to let it out and better utilize it. Amazing how finally learning not "to trust men" has opened my eyes to a whole new world. We can never expect anyone, even those who are closest to us, for anything. Not even loyalty. I know that sounds radical but I have seen that truth and it's not saying it in a bad way. It's actually something quite positive. It's accepting the fact that indeed, people have to fend for themselves. They have their own life to live. "The world will not stop for your tears." I used to say this to myself when I was in my 20s. Impressive wisdom of a younger me, isn't it. Yes, indeed the world will not stop for my tears. Shame on me for forgetting that and for expecting that everyone I have shown kindness  to will give it back to me. I have my own share of indiscretions. I take responsibility for my actions and decisions. The lessons, I will definitely learn and take by heart. These are the only things I have left, how could I waste them, if not take for granted.

I am turning over a new leaf, another chapter is about to begin. I have let go of some friendships which aren't actually friendships. Lesson on betrayal never comes easy, I can say that for a fact now... and I heave a sigh of relief. Now I know better.

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