V-day musings

Valentine’s Day is in a couple of days. It is like a nimbus cloud hovering above my head. Sometimes I get scared will I still be capable of falling in love? Or staying in love? Or at least try to understand my present state. Or maybe I am just too preoccupied with being always in control. There are times when I catch myself getting confused in between moments when I get crazy in love, or too happy or too excited. I tend to settle down momentarily and try to feel myself. These things are strange. Feelings, emotions, the euphoria of it all, I find them strange already. Only the brave get through to my mind most of the time. And yet I have encouraged some of them in my life where riddles rain in mid-summer. And these braves have chosen to stay away not for fear of me but I guess they get weary trying. There are times, when I too, get tired of myself. Why do I have to understand everything all the time? This isn't actually a question but a futile attempt to bring sense to my jaded cerebral condition. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am not normal. Maybe there is a condition waiting to be diagnosed. I would love to be diagnosed. I would love to be understood. I would like it so much also that I will be able to understand myself. Someone recently told me, “Getting to know our self is a lifetime process.” I was comforted by that, it means somehow I am normal. Just not everyone is aware of every detail in their journey. There are obstacles, there are fears, there are inhibitions whether to go ahead, rest for a while or just stop completely. I do not like the idea of any of these. I’d like more to think that in every journey it isn't important whether one decides to stop, rest, or go ahead. What is important is everything in the process is being celebrated. Maybe that is what I will try to do. Celebrate everything that comes my way be it ordinary or otherwise. If love comes along, why hide from it? If it is something that reveals something about myself, why not allow myself in the process? I don’t know. I still do not really know. All I know is I have to keep going. I don’t want to stay in this present darkness.