Thinking things over

"3 Guilt-free Reasons for Taking Time-off from Work" 

I saw this headline on the net today, while, yes, slacking off just a little bit here at home. I grabbed the chance while the boss is away on a retreat and deadlines are well taken care of. I haven't done this for a long time. Not for many years. I have been working for almost 16 years now and each paid vacation leave is almost always used for a few "more important" things, like being there for others. A woman of the world is how people these days call a woman who has much experience of the world. Well, I am not like that the way I see myself. I am a woman FOR the world. And there are times when I end up alone with myself feeling all so messed up, misunderstood, lonely, confused, scared, helpless -- after spending most of my time being there for others. I am not blaming anyone. I believe it just happens to all of us every once in a while. We do feel burned out. We do feel tired. We do feel like we're running around in circles without actually accomplishing something tangible.

There are times when I feel like shying away from everyone who seems to be holding a magnifying glass and dissecting my life. Why do I always have to think of others? Why do I always have to deny my own feelings just to make sure I don't offend anyone? Why do I always feel the need to please people and make sure they like me and everything that I do? It does feel that way sometimes. And I know that is wrong. I know that isn't supposed to be. I know I deserve to be freer than that. Life itself for me is already hard as it is right now. I cannot make it even more complicated by trying hard to simplify what others think of me. Let them think what they want to think. This is how I am, this is how I think, this is how I feel, this is how I make decisions, and this is how I make up for these wrong decisions. I am not happy looking at myself being dictated by others on how I am supposed to feel, how I am supposed to react to situations, how I am supposed to behave. I know there is a thin line between thinking independent and thinking rebellious. I cannot be so careless at this point of my life. That is not arrogance either, or just plain pride or stubbornness.

I am simply trying to get to know myself, trying to make sense of the fact that for such a long time I have been feeling so lost. I want to find out could I actually manage to say no without feeling guilty? Could I actually manage to once and for all disagree with others without feeling stupid for doing so? Could I actually try and be selfish in some not-so-selfish sort of way? I am not a bad person. I am sure of that fact. In fact a few in my circles call me a saint. But I am not so good either. There are so many things I cannot do right.

But I can only try to work out on the ugly part of the canvass of my life. May God be my painter.